I’d love to be sensual with you.
I’d love to give you a nice back-rub. I can’t do it though, I’d be balled up crying from the pain in my shoulders and my hands.
I’d love to have you lay your head on my belly and place kisses all over it. It’s too tender and sensitive though. I’m scared I’ll flinch and you’ll back away and stop touching me at all.
I’d love to be sexy with you. Often though, I just don’t feel like it – the drugs so necessary for my body try to dull and steal my sexuality.
I’d love to lie with you. But if you lie on top of me it’ll hurt. But if I lie on you then I’ll lose my balance and fall.
I need to love you. I need to share joy with you. I need to reassure you I still want you. I need your attention. I need to know that my broken body doesn’t offend you. I need to know that you know there’s still me in here. I need you to reassure me that you still want me.
I need you to know it’s not you that’s hurting me when you touch me, it’s my illness. I’m still here inside, and I still need you to touch me.
I need touch that isn’t clinical. I am touched so often – by the ultrasound technician, by the nurse taking blood, by the physiotherapist. By people seeing only the body, only the illness. I need to be touched by someone who sees me. By someone touching the person trapped inside this body. I need you to reassure me that I am a person, not an illness.
I need to know there’s more to ‘us’ than just sex, because sometimes I can’t go through the motions. That makes me feel less than human and less than capaable.
I need you to talk to me. Tell me what you want, what you need, how we can form something that works for everyone.
I need you to help me reach past this broken body of mine, so we can be together, despite everything.
Maybe we can hold hands, and brush the hair off each other’s faces.
Maybe I can plant tiny love-kisses all over your face and we can giggle because it tickles.
Maybe we can lie side by side in a water bed and gaze into each other’s eyes. So what if I need a few extra pillows to prop me up?
Maybe I can tell you which parts aren’t hurting today and you can touch and stroke me there.
Maybe we can love.